Boo Su-Lyn
Malay Mail Online
February 27, 2015
FEBRUARY 27 — We were arguing over something and then, with a pen knife in his hand, my then-boyfriend demanded to get intimate with me.
I didn’t want to.
I said a hesitant “No.” But he kept asking me, in a low threatening voice, with the blade still in his hand, to let him do it. Over and over again, he asked.
So I relented and let him do what he wanted. I was afraid of what would happen if I said no. I had seen him punch walls before in anger. I didn’t know what he would do with a knife.
It wasn’t rape under Malaysian law as the law defines rape as the insertion of a penis into a vagina without consent. But it was sexual assault.
Columnist and lecturer Ridhuan Tee Abdullah said in a February 16 article in Sinar Harian that women’s bodies invite rape. He also claimed that wearing short skirts could lead to rape and sexual assault.
In other words, he’s saying that rape victims were asking for it.
Tee’s column came after the Selangor Islamic Religious Department (Jais) said in a Friday sermon that covering up one’s aurat would prevent rape and sexual harassment.
The Friday sermon had outraged women’s groups who said rape is not linked to one’s dressing, pointing to a few high-profile rape cases of victims wearing tudung and “modest” clothing.
I got the courage to write this piece after reading Rosheen Fatima’s article in the Elle Malaysia website, where she said wearing baggy jeans and a loose T-shirt didn’t prevent her from getting raped.
Unfortunately, I can’t hide behind loose or “modest” clothes.
When I was sexually assaulted by my then-boyfriend sometime in my early 20s, I was wearing a spaghetti-strap top.
But I can tell Ridhuan Tee and Jais that my ex would have sexually assaulted me anyway even if I were wearing a burqa.
He had seen me dressed before in all kinds of clothes — shorts, trousers, knee-length skirts, mini-skirts, dresses and what-have-you. But he never did anything, until that day when he decided to point a knife and sexually assault me.
I never reported it to the police. At that time, I couldn’t comprehend how he could have done it when he was supposed to be the one protecting me from the evils of the world. So I convinced myself then that it wasn’t really sexual assault, that it wasn’t really rape, that he was just angry and he didn’t mean it.
We broke up eventually and never spoke again.
I can’t make a police report now anyway even if I wanted to. I can’t remember the exact year of the incident, much less the date and time.
I can only remember his terrible fury and the cold glint of the blade.
When clerics and men like Ridhuan Tee tell women to cover up to prevent sexual assault, it makes rape victims second-guess themselves. It makes them wonder if there was anything at all they could have done to prevent being raped.
It makes it seem as if the rape victim is complicit in the crime against her.
I used to question my behaviour too leading up to the sexual assault. If I wasn’t in a room alone with him, if I didn’t make him angry, would it have stopped him from doing it?
Rape myths are not just preposterous but also dangerous. They justify the control of women’s bodies and absolve men from blame over crimes that they should take full responsibility for.
I don’t know why men rape. Women’s groups say that sexual assault is power-play. Perhaps it is. But it shouldn’t matter anyway, whether it’s a case of exerting dominance or pure lust.
Lust does not excuse rape. If that were the case, a hungry person could storm into any McDonald’s and grab burgers or fries without paying. We wouldn’t be telling restaurant staff to keep their food out of sight and to hide it behind lock and key. We would tell the criminal instead that his appetite is no excuse for stealing.
Rape myths are not just preposterous but also dangerous. They justify the control of women’s bodies and absolve men from blame over crimes that they should take full responsibility for. ― Reuters picRape myths are not just preposterous but also dangerous. They justify the control of women’s bodies and absolve men from blame over crimes that they should take full responsibility for. ― Reuters picIn feminism, the personal is political. That’s why I decided to write this after staying silent for so many years.
I did not report my attacker to the police. But I hope that this will give other women the courage to come forward and seek justice.
Women never ask to be raped.
The sole blame for rape lies with the perpetrator, not the victim.